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Sex is a funny thing.

An acclaimed sex therapist and former dominatrix fills us in on the finer points of bedroom-based discipline.

It exists in this strange little space where you get to say and do things that could get you beat up and banned from mostly anywhere else. Ever try spanking someone because they cut you in line at the grocery store? Not cool.

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But spanking someone in the context of a consensual and kinky night in? To shed some light on sexual spanking, we turned to Dr. Dulcinea Pitagora.

Why do people love to be spanked during sex?

Pitagora has also been a member of the NYC kink scene for more than a decade and formerly worked as a professional dominatrix. She helped educate us the finer points of bedroom-based discipline. Sexual spanking is performed in the context of a role-play. The reality is no one is actually getting punished for anything.

Why we like being spanked during sex — and the unsettling reason why we might not

The goal is mutual pleasure. Sometimes men want to be the ones who are receiving the spankings. A lot of kinky guys like being dominated. It really depends on the individual. You want to do it during a neutral time.

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Maybe at some point during the day, maybe during dinner. The conversation should cover your experience, your expectations and your desires. You need to know how to say something is too much, just like you need to know how to say you want more.

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Are you going to use a safe word? Are you going to speak normally?

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All that stuff has to be mapped out ahead of time. In our culture, a lot of us grew up with the threat or actuality of spanking as children for punishment. You could get really Freudian about it. In that way, spanking seems like a pretty logical thing to want to do.

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How do you respond to the argument that sexual submission is oppressive to women? The second-wave feminist viewpoint of BDSM would say women could never choose to be submissive. A woman can choose to be anything she wants to be.

If a woman gets pleasure out of being sexually submissive, then great. You want to start out light. You know the subject is warmed up when their skin is flushed.

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Then you can start going a little harder. Maybe they agreed to something while in a neutral setting, but they feel differently when acting out the scene. Getting consent in the moment is really important.

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After you wrap things up, you want to check in with your partner again. Maybe they want to cuddle. Maybe they want to go out to eat. Maybe they want to watch Netflix. Maybe they want to have sex.

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Please try again. Give us a little more information and we'll give you a lot more relevant content.

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